


we'll never be able to treasure life enough

by DC_bookfanatic



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28639047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DC_bookfanatic/pseuds/DC_bookfanatic
Summary: We'll never be ableTo treasure life enoughWhen death comesMy heart is overcomeWhen death comes it hurtsAnd I'm not saying it's good to dieWhen death comesIt feels so undeservedAnd I'm not saying it's wrong to cryWe'll never be able to treasure life enoughIn which Hailey struggles through a tragic loss but finds her strength in the end.
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	we'll never be able to treasure life enough

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr in response to the prompt 'I wasn't ready to say goodbye' for @karihighman. This one is a little bit tragic and you might have already figured out what it's about according to the warnings and summary so I might not need to tell you this but you might want to grab some tissues!
> 
> Please don't kill me and I'm sorry?
> 
> Enjoy (I guess??)
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
> 
> *title and lyrics from summary taken from 'October (live)' by gray

She was numb.

She felt removed from her body. Like someone had come and dropped her into a different version of her life where she was watched actors that looked like her carry out horrific play. Going through the motions.

But she wasn’t in a different world. She was in a living hell.

Grief and gut-wrenching devastation and livid anger fighting for dominance when she wasn’t in shock because her world would never be the same again.

A huge piece of her heart had died and she didn’t think she’d ever get it back.

She was empty and she would never be full again.

They’d buried him in his blues. She knew that’s what he would have wanted. Police work was his life. Not the Army.

His Ranger uniform was still hanging in the closet and she knew she probably wouldn’t move it for quite sometime. Just like she wouldn’t move any of his things until someone forced her to do it.

The church had been packed. Full of people in their own blues and people in their military garb and then there were the ones in their Ranger uniforms. She knew a few of them—Mouse was there—but there were many faces she didn’t know or only recognized from pictures.

And then there were the people in regular suits and black dresses. The friendships that had reached past the CPD and the military. It seemed like most of the city was there. People she didn’t even know.

She had handled herself pretty well throughout the funeral. She hadn’t cried or shed any tears, not even when she’d placed a final kiss on his cold brow and his stiff lips.

Not when she watched the team carry his casket in or out. Not when the color guard was presented. Not during the mayor’s speech or the superintendent’s speech or during Voight’s or Adam’s or Kev’s or Kim’s. Not even when she saw Platt shed rare tears as she affectionately retold some of her favorite stories about her Detective Chuckles.

They’d asked if she wanted to give one but she’d know that talking about those sacred memories out loud this soon would have broken her so she’d declined.

She’d shuffled through the family processional, behind the team carrying the casket, Will beside her in the suit he wore as Best Man in their wedding.

When they arrived at the burial site, she forced herself out of the black SUV, it’s red and blue lights still flashing and she took a moment watch as literally hundreds of police cars pulled up; all the lights combined giving her a headache. CFD had even shown up in fire trucks and ambulances.

The whole city had been shut down along the route to the cemetery. Almost the whole police department were there in some capacity.

She’d made her weary way up to the burial site, working her way through crowds of police officers and sat dutifully in her front row seat, Will still right beside her. The team with the casket right there with her, all taking their place around her when they’d set it down.

She didn’t even cry when they played taps or Amazing Grace or when they folded his flag to give to her and not when she heard dispatch radio his call sign for the very last time.

_5021 George. Please respond. 5021 George. Do you copy? 5021 George. Out of service. Gone but not forgotten._

She didn’t hear the rest of the memoriam, listing all the things he had done in the line of duty, commendation after commendation, all his medals.

She didn’t really care. Her husband was dead.

She hadn’t flinched when they shot off the volley and she didn’t cry when they moved his casket to the freshly dug hole.

But then she felt a tug and she automatically took Ellie in her arms, “Mommy? Where’s daddy? Are they putting him in that hole?”

Her little voice was panicked and confused and Hailey didn’t have the strength to hold back her tears anymore. Not at the sound of her daughter asking for her daddy.

Not when she didn’t fully understand what was happening even though they’d all tried to explain it to her several times.

So Hailey silently cried as her daughter cried out loudly for her daddy, watching with wide eyes as the casket was lowered into the ground. Little hands straining to where she’d last seen her father lay ‘sleeping’ in the fancy bed and Hailey just held on tighter, gently forcing Ellie’s head full of light red wispy curls into her neck with her hand. She could feel big tears run down her neck and muffled questions of why she was letting her daddy be taken away.

Wasn’t she going to stop it? Wasn’t someone going to save the day?

But Hailey didn’t have the words anymore. She was too drained to try and tell Ellie that her father was never coming back. That he’d died saving a little girl just like her. That he was a hero.

But Ellie didn’t care about that and frankly, neither did Hailey because her husband was dead and Ellie would never see her father again.

She wasn’t sure how long she stood there, watching as they covered Jay’s casket with dirt. She was barely aware of her arms growing tired from holding onto her little girl who had cried herself to sleep.

When it was over, Will wrapped his arm around her and guided her back to the car and they were going slow enough that Hailey just kept holding Ellie. Holding onto the living piece of Jay.

Protecting their little girl with all her might.

Everyone had gathered back at CPD headquarters for a luncheon. Every time an officer died there was always a luncheon so the officers that hadn’t come to the visitation could pay their respects to the dead officers next of kin.

Hailey had been to a number of these. Payed her respects to many families. 

She’d never thought she’d be on the receiving end of one.

She’d never wanted to be.

She’d been forced to sit down by somebody and she did feel relief in her feet from taking pressure off of them. She’d never particularly loved heels anyway but Jay liked her in them so she’d worn them. It also felt nice to set Ellie’s weight on her lap, she wasn’t incredibly heavy, she was actually quite small for her age but Hailey was carrying more than just Ellie.

She’d been presented with a plate full of food by Vanessa and Kim who had stationed themselves beside her, trying to get her to eat something. Will was there too and she could feel his concerned look.

She knew she needed to eat. And not only for her sake or even Ellie’s.

So Hailey had reluctantly relinquished her hold on her daughter, Voight gently scooping her up out of her mother’s arms so she could eat; Ellie still sleeping soundly.

She knew that Hank would never let anything happen to her, none of the team would. They had always protected her and she knew they always would but after everything that had happened, it was hard to let her out of her sight.

She’d watched for a few seconds as Voight carried Ellie around, greeting various officers and soon enough Adam and Kevin were flanking him, keeping a careful eye on the sleeping three-year old. Hailey forced herself not to worry and took a bite of food. It didn’t taste like anything but she knew it was nutrition she needed.

She’d managed to eat the whole plate, making small talk with the dozens of officers that had come by to offer their condolences until she just couldn’t take it anymore. Shoving the empty plate into Vanessa’s hands and running out into the vacant hallway to slide down into a corner.

And she cried. Her whole body was shaking and she felt sick as the past few days washed over her. All of the shock and the disbelief and the horror and the sorrow and all these emotions she couldn’t name or even begin to describe bombarding her heart and mind.

She couldn’t believe he was gone. That he was just gone like that. He’d been hurt plenty. Had put her through the wringer more times than she could count but he had always bounced back.

Not this time though. He had used up all his luck. She hadn’t thought it was possible until it was.

Maybe that was why she was having such a hard time accepting it.

These last few days had been so strange because she’d kept expecting him to be there offering her a kiss or a comforting embrace but he wasn’t. She kept waiting for him to come tell her he would put Ellie to bed but he didn’t. 

She didn’t understand this new normal where he wasn’t automatically there by her side, at work and at home.

The hours blurred together as she’d okayed funeral arrangements she hadn’t really even heard. She’d known that Voight and the rest of Intelligence would sort everything out. 

She’d numbly been forced to fill out pension documents and speak with lawyers. Friends hadn’t left her alone, always making sure she had what she needed and Ellie was taken care of. 

She hadn’t even really cried until now, it was all so disbelieving. She hadn’t allowed herself to grieve because somewhere in the back of her mind she had been expecting Jay to walk in the front door. Like he had just been away for a UC assignment or something.

But she was starting to comprehend her new life. Now that things were settling down, now that the funeral was over and she didn’t want too.

Because he would never sweep her into his arms again or kiss her or make love to her ever again. She would never hear his calming voice whisper sweet nothings into her ear or say I love you or tease her. She would never hear him play with their little girl again or sing to her or tickle her mercilessly.

They would never go for pizza or out for a walk or do any more ice cream runs as a family ever again. They would never do anything as a complete family ever again.

They were missing their heart and strength. Jay had held them up and now that was her job.

A lot of things were her job now. It was both scary and comforting and beautiful how much she’d come to rely on Jay throughout the years. But she didn’t have that now and she was going to have to figure everything out by herself for the first time in a long time.

So she cried. Maybe it was minutes or maybe it was hours but she cried until she physically couldn’t anymore.

She was aware of arms holding her.

She dried her tears and looked up into her brother-in-law’s face. They shared a look. They understood each other in a way that they hadn’t before. Their bond was deeper now that they had gone through this together and she was incredibly grateful for Jay’s brother.

He had put aside his own grief, his own life, to help her out in any way he could. And so had her team and she would be forever grateful for that.

She quickly wiped under her eyes. A sad smile coming over her face. The movement felt strange.

She met Will’s gaze again, “I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.”

He swallowed hard, tears escaping his own eyes, “I know Hailey. I know. I wasn’t either.”

Hailey swallowed too. Shifting slightly so they were sitting shoulder to shoulder leaning against the wall. She stared off into space.

“He had so much life left to live. We had so many plans.”

As if to prove her point, she felt a decisive thump from within her. Her hand flew to her rounded belly.

Will noticed immediately, worry coloring his face, “Hailey what is it? Is something wrong?”

God, this was supposed to be a happy moment but all she felt was a hollow sadness, a gut-wrenching sorrow deep within her.

She silently grabbed Will’s hand and placed it where she’d felt the kick. It happened again and Will let out a dry laugh.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It wasn’t supposed to be Will, it was supposed to be Jay who was sitting beside her waiting to feel their child kick beneath _his_ palm.

“Is this the first time you felt a kick?” Will asked and she could hear a little bit of his ‘doctor voice’ creeping in.

She gave a short nod, trying not to cry again, “I’ve been feeling the baby move for a while now but very subtle, not enough for–,” Her words got caught in her throat. She tried to take a deep breath to continue and it came out as a whisper, “For Jay.”

She was 21 weeks and he had been nagging her for the past few weeks if she could feel the baby yet. He had tried every night to feel, placing his hands on her belly and talking to the child resting within, trying to coax out a kick. He had been so excited.

She had scolded him for his impatience and told him that he would be the first to know when she felt a real kick–one that he could feel and she’d promised that he’d also be the first to feel.

But he hadn’t been the fist to feel and he would never get to feel. She wished she had never rolled her eyes at his eagerness.

God, what she wouldn’t give to even have just this one moment with him.

He wouldn’t ever talk to her belly again or place his head gently on her rounded stomach late at night as they lay in their bed. She wouldn’t ever watch as he and Ellie rubbed her belly, Jay telling Ellie all the things he had done when she was in her mommy’s belly.

Jay would never get to hold their second baby. He wouldn’t get to see their child take their first steps or say its first word.

He wasn’t going to see a lot of things. Ellie and the baby that was still in her womb had their whole lives ahead of them and Jay was going to miss out on all of it.

Hailey was going to have to be both father and mother and she wasn’t sure if she could do it.

God, she missed him. She missed him so much; she couldn’t even begin to describe the chasm he’d left in her life and their children’s lives.

And she knew in this moment that she would never stop missing him. She would always be yearning for him, so much so it hurt. Some days more than others but she would never be the same again.

Her heart and soul and the source from which she drew her strength was gone but then she felt another kick and she thought about their perfect, sweet little girl and she knew that Jay left her with something more precious than the entire universe.

The baby kicked again and she felt a peace that she’d never felt before because Jay wasn’t gone, not really. He would live on in their memories and his life was shown through their children that he helped her create.

Their greatest accomplishment.

He was gone but he would never be forgotten. 

**Author's Note:**

> The end. And like I said before, please don’t kill me. 
> 
> When I got this prompt, I just had to do it. I’ve never killed off a main character before nor have I ever killed off a half of one of my OTPs so I decided to just do it. I wrote this just for the purposes of the prompt and I will NEVER kill off Jay again (or at least I don’t think I will). I also want to say this has nothing to do with any of my other fics so no need to worry! Jay won’t be dead in any future stories. Again, I just wrote this in response to the prompt. So, think of this as an AU version to my usual fics if that makes sense.
> 
> I'll be posting a second chapter/sequel soon so be on the lookout for that if you're willing to read a second installment to this :) ;)


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